scrapbooking

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Unworthy...


Unworthy 
Inadequate 
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

i know my blog posts are few and far between, usually picture or party related, with a few of those real life things i feel compelled to share sprinkled in. this post is a real life one. i wrote it on my phone in my notes a couple weeks ago. I've just been sitting on it, occasionally thinking about posting it, then i move on to all the busy in my life. i decided last week that if God gave me two confirmations about sharing it then i would share it.

well i got one last Wednesday, and then a second in church this morning through one of our worship leaders. the crazy part is she was just doing her thing, speaking of what has been going on in her thoughts and it was very similar to what i have been thinking on for a month or two. it may seem silly or not a big deal to share this info and part of my life but as someone who doesn't like to talk about their feelings and would much rather ignore them...it is a big deal for me.

i made a list at the start of the year with some hopes, dreams and goals i wanted to see in my life. one of the things on my list was
- get a piano, an upright wooden piano
I've been wanting a piano for some time.  my husband plays a little our oldest plays by ear and would like to learn and so would our other little ones.

I used to play when I was a kid. Took lessons for several years, even did some recitals. Unfortunately I did not listen to my parents. who as it turns out. . .knew what was best for me, go figure 😉. 
I didn't practice and learn as much as I should have. I played mostly by ear instead of taking the time and discipline to learn how to read music. I stopped taking lessons when some things in our family changed and it just wasn't going to work out. . .plus I wasn't truly doing my best so why waste the time and money. As I got a little older I did join my youth group worship team as a singer which i loved and singing was something i had been doing ever since I was little. I loved being in all of the kids plays and having speaking rolls and singing lots of solos as a kid. Now I look back and think dang that girl had guts! I love to sing but pretty much it's at home and only my kids get the treat (or possibly not a treat) of listening to me. Now as a 32 year old adult I literally am so paralyzed by fear to sing in front of anyone. . .even my own husband. 
ridiculous right? I'm sure you're thinking that's so absurd, just get over it and do it. well I stopped singing in our church when I was 18 and pregnant. Not married. I'm sure broke my parents hearts. (i have the best parents ever and they were there for me through it all, and are the best grandparents ever to my kids!) created a lot of gossip in our church. Clearly not a good role model for all the young girls in our youth group. Now 14 years later I have sang a few times in "big church" but nothing consistent and not very much. To be honest I don't feel worthy to do that. . .I feel inadequate to even sing and worship in the congregation, so how could I ever be on a stage again. I am so worried of what others might think of me or of messing up. my life is chaotic, I yell at my kids, I make so many mistakes in one day that I can't even count them I am completely unworthy, unqualified and uncomfortable. 

But grace. 

No fear in His perfect love

A good Father who only wants what's best for me

I am Made in His image 

I refuse to keep letting fear lead me. I refuse to listen to the lies. I know who I am and I know whose I am. I will do whatever and I will go wherever. I was made for so much more. 
He will direct my path and I will walk, run, crawl, cry, dance and fight my way to His heart. 

I am still determined to learn piano. To overcome fear. To be all that I was created to be. 

Romans 3:24b PT
His gift of love and favor now cascade over us, all because Jesus, the anointed one, has liberated us from the guilt, punishment and power of sin. 

Romans 2:10a PT
But when we do what pleases God, we can expect unfading glory, true honor and a continual peace. 

The ending of delusion brings the beginning of truth and its "knowing the truth that sets you free". - face your demons 
Brian Houston


You may be wondering why I would share this. . .I am kinda wondering the same thing. The only answer I have to that question is maybe it will help someone else. I wasn't going to share because honestly it's very personal, I feel shame about my past but I have been set free and I really want to always be real with people. I'm human I mess up everybody does. This is my story, part of my book. I hope it helps someone. 

Hugs to you all💗  

 one of the many songs i have loved this year sung by one of my favorite worship leaders . . .

Monday, August 3, 2015

sunshine & freshly picked....

this post is a little overdue as i took these picture of olivia a few months before she turned two. better late than never right?!?

well let me just tell you how much olivia and i LOVE freshly picked moccs! as a mom of 6 i like shoes that are easy and quick to put on and of course stylish, freshly picked moccs are both and even oilvia loves them. another reason i LoVE them is that some of my kids have thick feet which makes is very hard to find shoes that are comfy for them and that fit correctly. freshly picked worked perfect! if you haven't ever tried them out you should because they are amazing!

we've been wearing them everywhere for 6 months and they are awesome.



she's shocked you don't have a pair yet so get over to their site, like them on facebook and follow them on instagram!
thanks for the awesome shoes freshly picked!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Home Sweet (Hot Mess) Home...

It's been brought to my attention that some people (my family, actually. Not my kids but like my extended family) think that I do not care at all what my house looks like. Insert annoyed and slightly shocked face here.

Well I have a little bit of a news flash. . .I literally can not stand messes. Growing up I was always a very organized child (thanks mom) I preferred things clean, nothing out of place slightly obsessed about having everything neat and orderly. That's how I function best. Fast forward to being an adult and getting married to a not so tidy person. . . .then add 6 kids. . . .then add a photography business. Do you want to know what that equals?!?!!! A BIG freaking MESS.

I literally have spent 3 days to a week sometimes where I've done nothing, like not even eat. . . .in my girls room cleaning, re-organizing (Bc this has been organized many times before), throwing out broken toys, donating no longer played with or worn items, putting EVERYTHING in its place. Making it magazine ready. Guess how long it lasts. Like a month maybe. If half of them are away at school for most of the day. Same scenario with my boys room.

Seriously I am beyond thankful for the house we are living in right now. Despite its problems (which are a lot and big ones) I really truly love the house. My husband was born and raised here, my backyard is stunning and perfect for pictures (and huge!) I love the saying "small homes grow tight families" maybe it takes forever for the girls to fall asleep Because all 4 share 1 room but I know when they are grown they will be closer because of that. If they all had their own rooms they wouldn't have to get a long as well and have the bonding time that they do sharing a space. Honestly though, it is really hard to have 8 people in a 3 bedroom 2 bath home with a tiny kitchen. We have a lot of stuff. . . .I totally take the blame for at least half of it because of what I do. I have props for pictures for parties and I also scrapbook. The kids bring home SO MANY papers and artwork, then of course there's mail,bills and laundry for 8 people and the list goes on. It is extremely difficult for me to stay on top of EVERYTHING.

I am COMPLETELY embarrassed to have anyone stop by my house let alone come over and come inside. even when my dad (who is an amazing man) was watching my kids for a few hours last Friday while I worked. I stayed up until 2 am scrubbing my bathroom floor and counter top and cleaning the kitchen Because I didn't want him to see how bad it was. While he was watching them he also cleaned my microwave and moved the couch and had the kids help him clean the living room. Thanks dad xoxo

Sorry this is turning into a whole big long thing I didn't intend for it to. It just makes me feel better to write it all out.

I know to teach my kids to clean up after themselves. Believe me, growing up in my parents home every Thursday was cleaning day. We all had our chores that were above the expected bed making, keeping your room tidy things we had to do. I have tried to teach them to clean up after themselves and that there is a place for everything and everything should be in its place. When you do that you don't lose things and you know exactly where something is when you need it. Can I say though that it's super hard to get that to compute with my kids!? Maybe it's just my kids (I hope not, lol) I will say the older ones obviously help and are better about it than the littlest ones, Understandably.  Ugh.

I started all this to say that I really LOVE a clean and organized house. My hope/plan is to get back to that stage of my life as far as cleaning and organizing goes. Some may think I just don't care. Nothing could be further from the truth, it actually makes me cry that some may think that. How dumb is that for me to cry over what other people think of me.

I will be organized and have the whole house clean and be caught up on the laundry and the dishes, AND have all my pictures edited and delivered and happy clients. . . .BUT I will also not miss playing with my kids when they ask as much as I can. I will read them another book even though the pans from dinner need rinsed and put in the dishwasher. I will hug them a little longer when they need it or I need it instead of folding the laundry. I will cherish the days of their childhood (even the really hard ones when I end up yelling and or crying) because I know for sure that they are fleeting and I will miss them.

I am sorry to anyone who comes over. . . .I really do try to clean up at least the rooms that you will be in for sure or the rooms my clients have to walk through to get to my backyard. Especially because I've been to many of your homes (which so many of you have such amazing and beautiful homes!) and am blown away at how beautiful and clean they are! I wish I was better at keeping on top of my to do lists and keeping my house clean.

All that to say. . . .I actually do care what my home looks like. . . it's just hard to keep it the way I want it with out missing out on time with my kids, or delivering pictures slower, or throwing everything in the trash. Which crosses my mind a hundred times a day.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

best mom ever *free* mothers day card

this sunday is mothers day and i quickly went through some pictures from the past few years and picked some of my favorites to share with you......and.....a free 5x7 mothers day card!







































there are a ton more i could have picked to share, thank you to all the mama's who have chosen me to capture your wonderful forever memories with your beautiful babies! i am so blessed and i love you all!


  just click on the link download and save and print....pass out to all the amazing mama's you know, maybe even a few you don't. you could make their day!


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Lonely crowd....



I have a lot of blog posts written in my notes on my phone. It usually starts with a thought or problem I have, then when I'm laying in bed and can't turn my brain off I write. in the morning I will usually read what I wrote and edit (bc it's late and auto correct). Then I just leave it on my phone. Still I'm not sure I want people reading these types of things what will they think...but really why do I care what they think? Of course my blog has only a handful of followers and no one really ever comments so it really may not matter.  Sometimes I think what if this is also meant for someone else or might help someone. Then my immediate next thought I'd "that's ridiculous, this will not help anyone" . So now you know my thoughts and have glimpse into my thinking lol. 

Do you ever feel lonely? 
Being a photographer is a bit of a lonely job. You meet new people almost constantly yes and get to know them but 90% of it...it's just me and my computer spending a lot of time together. For most people you go to work and have co workers you socialize with...my coworkers are a camera and a Mac they are really good listeners. 

Being a mom can also be a Lonely job. Yes you may be in a crowd of little people all day but still feel lonely. you are with your kids most of the day and 98% of your day is spent taking care of everyone and everything. Maybe Before you had kids you thought well I will have my husband and my mom friends but then you are there and your husband is working, providing for your family and you don't have kids at the same time as your friends. So there you are and it feels alone.

I look at my moms life. She is the most amazing person I know. I wonder if she ever felt lonely while raising all of us. If she did we never knew it. She always had a lot of friends and a couple really close friends as we grew up, but we moved a lot so those friendships would change and new friends would come. There have been a few constant ones, one that comes to mind in particular is "grandma Diane". no  she isn't related by blood but she is our grandma. She was my moms spiritual mentor and taught my mom a lot. I'm sure through the years my mom has been that same thing to another mom along the way. Which got me thinking do I have women in my life like that? Am I now (nope not even close) or will I be someone like that someday?  Who is my "grandma Diane" will I ever be someone else's "grandma Diane" 

It's hard when you are a mom and you live the same day in and out it seems endlessly. Especially for moms with multiple kids I think (I could be wrong/ but since I have 6 i'm speaking from my perspective) it's hard to do much of anything outside my own home with out help from my husband, my sister or someone. So I just don't put any effort into cultivating relationships with other moms. My kids don't do any extra activities either so moms of kids who do are even busier than the average mom I'm sure. Who has time to even have friends? My situation could be an isolated one...i don't drive, if I did we still have just one car so I still would be home if I could drive. 
Maybe I'm the only mom who feels this way. Or maybe there's a crowd of lonely moms. 

In my head and my soul I know I'm not alone. I know God is here and I'm thankful to have my husband, my mom  and dad and my sister (built in bestie for life). But Sometimes i do just feel alone in this thing called motherhood. 

Saturday, February 28, 2015

how my father in law passing away affects your pictures.....


This post has been coming together over the past 3 months, it's written with tears streaming down my cheeks. I am probably rambling in some of it and get sidetracked in some of it, but I'm leaving it mistakes and all and posting it. I can't let another day go by with out saying it. I'm sure it's not well written at all and for that I'm sorry!

most of you know my father in law passed away this past December. He was still young. He battled for a year in a half with a stage 4 cancer. It was, is and will be difficult for my family for quite some time I'm sure. I can't imagine how hard this is for my husband to lose his dad...and I can only imagine in a small way what it must be like for my mother in law to lose her best friend. 

As my mother in law, husband and his siblings were preparing for my father in law's celebration of life service they had to pick just 35-40 pictures that would tell the story of his life.

WHAT?

How could they only pick 40 pictures to tell an entire lifetime, birth, childhood, young adult, wedding, honeymoon, life as newlyweds, 1st baby, 2nd,3rd and 4th baby, holidays, regular every days, anniversary's, grand kids. I was so thankful that the family I married did a great job of documenting their life. There were hundreds of pictures to choose from and yet there were still some pictures missing. Some that dad had on his computer that didn't get printed from recent years, some possibly lost and some that were never taken . . . missed opportunity due to the busyness of everyone's lives as we were all grown/married, kids/jobs and lives of our own. How dare we not take the annual family Christmas tree picture. . . Or rearrange our hectic schedules to make time for a generational family picture.

Life is busy. Always.

I am so thankful I found this love of photography. I am so blessed by all the families that choose me to capture their forever memories for them. Whether it's once a year family pictures, a birthday party, a family reunion or they choose to let me capture it all as much as possible through out the year. I am so thankful I have been blessed to just pick up my camera and snap any part of my day or my children. I will forever love all of my pictures. Even the blurry ones.

Life goes so fast. Faster than you think. Please make the time for family pictures at least once a year. Please have your kids pictures taken as they continue to get older and bigger. It's easy to see the change from birth to 1 year. It's harder to see the change from 8 to 9 years old but it's there. I promise. I hate to admit I have missed those pictures in years past. As my bigger kids have grown but I'm with them everyday so I don't see it. When I search through my pictures though. . .oh man do I see it and want to bang my head on the wall for not getting one shot from their 10th year to their 11th. Shame on me. I will do better, I hope you will too. Make sure you have a picture of each kid and yourself and each kid and dad, each kid and grandma, each kid and grandpa. Please. Your kids will cherish those images so very much when they are all grown.

The moments we can't get back.

Once you get those pictures please print those pictures. Put them on your walls, in albums, scrapbook them, document them. This is life, the pictures will be the physical thing you can hold in your hands when you can't hold the person. The thing to bring a particular memory right to the front of your mind like it just happened. I have moms, grandmas and aunts who only see their self perceived flaws, (which aren't there!) and I have everyone who says I just need to lose a little weight. Don't wait until you feel like you are presentable. I have dads that do not like having their pictures taken. I get it. I do. It seems like a lot of work to get together and coordinate outfits and deal with littles who are less than thrilled.
Can i tell you though, how important it is? How much value it holds. It's worth it. I promise, we are never guaranteed tomorrow. Your kids are not even guaranteed a tomorrow.
So take the time. Take the pictures. Print the pictures.




 










my husband and his dad fathers day 2014
(i phone picture) 





 my first born with grandpa
2003



my last born with grandpa
2014




the last family pictures we have
november 2014